Women’s Day — To Wish or Not to Wish?
A plea to be kinder, to understand and be understood.
“I have this awful paranoid thought that feminism was mostly invented by men so that they could like, fool around a little more.” — Julie Delpy’s Celine, Before Sunrise.
“No Uterus, No Opinion!” — Jennifer Anniston’s Rachel, FRIENDS.
Just as it does for any ‘Day’ intending to celebrate a faction, community, gender, occupation, or role, I am sure wishing, celebrating, or in any way observing Women’s Day seems a tiny bit fatuous, a tad bit unnecessary for us the WEIRD* (Western, Educated, Industrial, Rich, and Democratic) population. Of course, the day and its intent aren’t vacant. But its observance does feel so.
We, the WEIRD ones, are a minority in the world. Yet, we dominate the social discourse. That is where WEIRD is most troubling — cultural decisions, assumptions, studies, thinking, and development are devised by and for this narrow slice of humanity — the WEIRD.
I talk about WEIRD because, unlike other ‘silly’ days that I happily partake in because they’re frivolous anyway, wishing on Women’s Day seems difficult. That is because this is one of the only ‘Days’ that isn’t trivial.
It stands a cut above the others not only because it inevitably brings with it history and baggage of inequality and discrimination. Or just because it invites discussion on the present-day issues. It is also laden with the weight of meaning because we, the WEIRD demographic, have absolved ourselves of hypocrisy by drowning the occasion in self-congratulation. We have successfully dipped the fruits of injustice in the chocolate of phony sincerity.
That is where lies the dichotomy of whether to wish women on Women’s Day.
See, not wishing seems rude. In fact, in today’s times, a nice wish is more important than being nice. If we don’t wish, social media might ensure that we feel a pang of guilt stronger than that of actually being sexist. Wishing absolves the misogyny. What you seem counts more than what you are.
So, like every year, I will likely send a few WhatsApp messages. But does it not feel shallow, more these last few years than ever before, to wish women a Happy Women’s Day? Or to send blanket texts to all the women in our lives? To circulate a ready-made message after adding a couple of flower emojis at the end?
I understand it is a simple gesture of being grateful or a placeholder occasion to celebrate the faction in question. In fact, ‘just-a-simple-gesture’ is my defense for other such days. But honestly, what good does being thankful to a gender one day in a year does, especially when that group still has unresolved things to fight against?
Being thankful or forwarding a text or paying lipservice to Women’s Day doesn’t shatter the glass ceiling, doesn’t eliminate emotional labor, doesn’t make the by-lanes any safer, doesn’t rid the world of FGM, doesn’t bridge the wage-gap, doesn’t provide resources for education, does not cure infanticide, doesn’t stop violence, doesn’t give them the rights to their own anatomy, doesn’t breach stereotypes, doesn’t make politicians, lawyers, cops change their archaic thinking, doesn’t magically fix anything — it does not, in any way, make the world better for the said gender.
A Hallmark-infringed, chocolate-colored, strawberry-flavored, Western in origin, gentle, pampering cushiony pedestal is what Women’s Day seems to have become, howsoever genuine the beginnings were. And that seems to be suiting both/all genders just right.
Because all it does, to the teensiest amount possible, is absolve us, the WEIRD cis-men, in our own eyes of the inequality being perpetrated by us over the years.
There is a thin line between humility and shame, and all we’re doing with Women’s Day lately is barely pull ourselves over onto the humility side of the fence, redeeming us of all the shame by a mask of gratefulness for 24 hours of sham solidarity once a year.
“Oh, you’re so awesome that I thank you for everything and then some, and you know I am not like the rest, so be kind to me (*wink wink*). And yes, here, take this candy dear as my token of appreciation. I hope it compensates for anything and everything said or done to you in your life that has made you uncomfortable only because you belong to your gender. Please help yourself to some of these second-hand human rights, too; I know you’ve been window-shopping these since, like, always. I hope you enjoy them as much as we have for all these centuries. And now that you have the toffee, why don’t you smile a little more, darling? Oh, don’t worry, I understand completely, trust me! You must be in a foul mood, sorry; that time of the month, is it? (*nods empathetically*)
I want to think I did not come up with the above because I identify with it, but because being cynical is made so easy when the evidence of progress is so hard to find.
Progress is best measured by the lazy. It truly is progress only when the apathetic can spot it from 100 miles away and clap for it. Progress should not be a treasure hunt or a spot-the-difference challenge between two cartoon panels where the left one is 1950 and the one on the right is 2021. It should be as drastic a difference as between black-and-white and color, night and day. It should be a sun, shining furiously, illuminating our darkest, dampest corners with blinding warmth of satisfying resolutions!
Since it is 2021, yes, there is a sun. However, it still is eclipsed by a giant rock of ingrained prejudices and deep-rooted sexism in every culture, religion, nation. It is in that shadow that we ‘celebrate’ Women’s Day. A shadow that makes us argue over the meaning of feminism, a darkness that does not let us fully relish the success of a battle because the war isn’t won yet, a shade that casts itself in the path of true freedom of expression. We need to work on things before congratulating each other, for we’ve only just begun, and there’s a long way to go.
It is not meritorious to be just kind; it’s not commendable to be normal, it is not praise-worthy to be a good person — that is basic human etiquette. We have meager standards for ourselves if we expect a pat on the back for being decent to women, fellow humans, mind you. It seems foolish even to write this, but women’s issues are human rights issues! They’re half of us, among us. Why did it take us so long to understand that humanity does not depend on biology!? And that Humanity cannot progress if half of us are held back from contributing.
Pain, sorrow, sadness, hurt are all subjective. Just as we cannot compare the agony of being kicked in the nuts with labor, we cannot compare if it is more hurtful to be denied education or denied fair pay. First-world issues are no less terrible than third-world ones. Let us work on solutions where we can and start where we are. That is easier said than done, of course, as not everyone is, and not everyone can be a feminist, realistically. Let me ex-Nah-mansplain it.
Wishing on WhatsApp seems shallow because it is hollow. We can be an armchair philosopher, scientist, or detective. But we cannot, in full measure, be an armchair feminist, just like we cannot be a social-activist all in your mind. Feminism-Activist is what the word Feminist comes from, at least etymologically. Yes, the meaning has changed recently, but unless we’re actively doing more than WhatsApp forwards, we’re not a full-fledged-feminist, period. And it doesn’t matter how much we believe in equality or even practice it in personal life. I believe in wildlife conservation and protecting animals against cruelty and will never, in my life, kill a zebra or beat my dog, or starve my cat. But that does not make me a wildlife activist.
So, what do we do? We work. As clichéd as it sounds, money speaks, and money works in the real world. So as WEIRD people, if we have the luxury of money, let us donate to causes where people are dedicating their lives to improving others’. Let us, in the true sense, become feminists then. If that is not possible, let us at least be good people every single day, but without expecting a medal for doing so.
It is perfectly okay not to have the money to donate, provided you do not wait till Women’s Day to thank the women in your life and then pat yourself on a job well done. Simply put, either be a real-activist in your own capacity or be the nice guy without wanting a certificate. Please don’t be nice one day a year and call yourself a feminist.
Want to simply thank women? Sure, go ahead and thank them, but thank them like you would thank any other person at any other time. Thank your significant other when she lifts you from a bad mood, thank your mother when she doesn’t forget to wake you up when you asked her to, thank your sister when she supports you in every way she can, thank your teacher when you get an enjoyable lesson, thank your friend when she lends you her bike to make your plans work. Be kind, be normal, be expressive, be tender, be kind and understanding. By doing so, break your own stereotypes of what it means to be a man before mending theirs.
Why on earth do I stray on a slippery slope of women’s issues? Why can’t I send a few WhatsApp forwards and be quiet about it? I think the answer lies in the amusement that I feel when writing honestly. A man writing about Women’s day is accused of mansplaining, of preaching to the choir, by the “No uterus, No opinion” legion. Honestly, though, this is more for the other genders than it is for women. It is not as much an explanation as it is a plea, a plea to the women I haven’t wished to understand why I did not. More importantly, it is a plea to the ones I did to understand why it felt bland, and most importantly, it is a plea to men on where we can improve and how.
Of course, I do not question women celebrating Women's Day in any way, shape, or form. They’re celebrating how far they’ve come and how they’re going to cover the rest.
But I find it insincere and hypocritical when men wish women because we’re the ones who held them back, to begin with! It’s as condescending in my opinion as colonialists applauding their subjects on a battle well-fought after a mutiny.
Maybe this is over-thinking, and I should just jump on the bandwagon, so here goes: Happy Women’s Day to all the women and all the men just because we all are possibly having a good day eating the chocolate or feeling proud of giving one. Win-win, right?
-Prasanna Vighne
*WEIRD -https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#Contemporary_issues_in_methodology_and_practice
